"I feel pretty accomplished when I can get three square meals on the table, [the dishes washed], a load of laundry done, and a path through the toys cleared in one day. But that doesn't get you "ahead" anywhere. I'm barely holding back the tide and I'm afraid once the baby comes, I'm going to get pummeled."
Well, folks, it's true. That about sums up how I feel lately. Pummeled.
The house is a wreck. I haven't done my dishes tonight or picked up any of the toys. I didn't do a single load of laundry today. I slept through breakfast, (we got home at 3AM from a trip, and the baby was up by 7-ish, so I don't hold it against myself too much), I don't remember if the girls really had a lunch, and a last minute trail ride foiled dinner plans, so the girls ate cereal.
In the time I spent tonight "unwinding" from the day, I could've easily done two loads of laundry, washed the dishes, AND picked up the living room. Or balanced my checkbook, written out the bills for next month, entered receipts for the business, mended something from my Mend Pile Mountain, edited the website, exercised, or tackled any one of the projects that have been mentally and emotionally eating me alive. But I didn't. Instead I just mulled over things that I know I need to do, but just don't ever seem to do them. I have so many ideas of how I want to clean, organize, decorate, and yet no idea/motivation of where to begin. I decide on one area to work on, only to find out there are "prerequisites" before I can really do them, so they are left undone altogether.
To make matters worse, I'm addicted to staying up late. I love sleep! I WANT to sleep, NEED to sleep, SHOULD sleep, and yet I still find myself puttering away those nighttime hours, strictly because they are my own. No interruptions (for the most part), silent, bliss when I can just be ME. I know it creates a vicious cycle, because I will be unproductive and irritable tomorrow, longing for a few minutes alone, which I know doesn't come until everyone else is asleep again. But still I do it.
It's a humbling and frightening realization that being responsible/a mom/a wife/etc is harder than you ever imagined. I had great plans and expectations of how I would be an awesome mom, a cherished wife, have a cute home, and still have time to cook, clean, and create like a super hero. And if I didn't finish everything I was supposed to that day, I wouldn't go to bed until I did. Because super heroes don't need sleep, either.
I don't mean to be a negative, depressed, woe is me, dark cloud of despair kind of person. I know it never solves anything. I really do have so many things to be grateful for. And here are just four of them.
I guess I relieved a little guilt tonight, being late and all, because after 2+ months, I finally wrote a blog post.
